I'm God. Yes, that God. The one who created everything, knows everything, and can do everything. Though after browsing Earth for the last few thousand years, I'm beginning to wonder why I bothered with you lot.
A bit about Me:
• Age: Eternal
• Occupation: Supreme Being, Creator of the Universe, Answerer of Prayers (don't bother checking my Trustpilot score)
• Hobbies: Working in mysterious ways, taking credit for things that happen naturally, avoiding responsibility for the more questionable parts of My previous work. And golf.
• Location: Everywhere, apparently, though I do like to avoid places where there is excess suffering. It's a bit depressing.
My home life:
I'm married (hands off, girls) to Svetlana, whom I met on ChristianHookup.com. It was a perfect match. I was looking for a younger partner, and she was looking for a way out of her Eastern European oppressive government's regime. When I'm at home, I like to play the piano and keep up with my yoga.
What I do with my time:
There are many activities that I enjoy (I've got a lot of time on my hands). I am a keen cook. I like my food like I like my favourite World War 2 dictatorships: Italian. In memory of how they used to claim my support, my first Italian restaurant will be called "Dio, Pasta, Famiglia."
I love sports too. You might have noticed that I often intervene in many sporting events. Brave athletes will raise their hands to the heavens when they score a goal, make a putt, hit a three, etc. It's good that they take the time to acknowledge my help. I mean, I had to decide whether to help them win their game, or to cure kids with bone cancer. Hey, I'm a sportsman, what can I tell ya?
I love to travel. There's so much to see in the world! So many places I've never been! And so many places that have never even heard of me. For some reason, Ancient Egyptians didn't bother with me, the one true God. Instead, they just made up a lot of nonsense. Also, there are lots of isolated tribes in rainforests that I completely forgot about for, well, ages. And don't get me started on China – I didn't even know it existed until well after the Bible was written.
And yep, I have a few vices too. Just the usual "guy stuff". Hey, I need time away from Svetlana sometimes. She's a bit of a nag, to be honest. "Have you taken the trash out?"… "Have you dried the dishes?"… "Have you stopped people dying of starvation in Africa yet?" Nag, nag, nag. Oh well, at least my home life provides the material for my standup act.
Why I'm here:
After millennia of vague responses through burning bushes, cryptic dreams, and appearances on toast, I figured it was time to try direct communication. My customer service has been, let's be honest, absolutely dreadful. This forum is My attempt at improving that.
What you can expect from Me:
I'll try to answer your questions with more clarity than My usual "I work in mysterious ways" response. Fair warning though - I might not always have the best answers. I mean, I created mosquitoes and James Corden, so My judgment isn't perfect.
Fun facts about Me:
• I invented the platypus after 12 cans of Stella
• I made wisdom teeth just for a laugh
• The dinosaur thing... yeah, that was an oversight in the manual
• I regret about 73% of the Old Testament
Looking forward to finally having some proper conversations with you all. And please, feel free to challenge My answers - it's about time someone held Me accountable.
Peace and blessings,
